Christianity for the Tragically Hip

12:09 pm - 02.06.03

I couldn't sleep last night, so I was watching TV at about 5 am and I turned to the Protestant Jesus Channel. While watching the lady with too much hairspray and an awful excuse for a blouse sing about faith, it struck me. Christianity has a MAJOR image problem. I mean, it's a dying religion already, and if someone doesn't come around and make it cool to be Christian again, all the kids are gonna turn to the newer, trendier religions, like Islam or corporate America's version of Buddhism. I refuse to actually call it Buddhism, since it's just a bunch of people who have no interest in actual Buddhist principles, they just like reading shit by the Dalai Lama. See? Buddhism has the monks that the masses view as wise and inspirational, and Judaism has the rabbis that the masses view as fun-loving and intelligent. Hinduism has Gandhi, for crying out loud. But when people think of Christianity? Jerry Falwell, the Pope, and a bunch of priests thirsty for prepubescent flesh. Have they gotten so sure of themselves that they don't think they even need to compete anymore? Christianity needs something to make it appear "hip" again. Like, maybe Madonna could go through a Christian phase, or perhaps Jesus could appear on TV, having traded in his oh-so 27 A.D. beard-and-long-hair combo for something more 2003, like a goatee and dreadlocks. There could be ad campaigns! "Jesus: The Freshmaker." "Did somebody say Jesus?" "Jesus in the morning, Jesus in the evening, Jesus at suppertime. When Jesus is on a bagel, you can eat Jesus anytime!"

Also, someone needs to rework some of the religion's stances. They really alienate too much people when they don't allow homosexuality, abortion, premarital sex, or fun of any sort. I mean, come on, maybe I would be interested in Christianity, but I like penis and baby-killing wayyyy too much to even think about it.

Finally, Christian women need to hire themselves some gay makeup artists. I mean REALLY, anyone who wears powder blue eyeshadow should be thrown in prison.

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