The Trials and Tribulations of Having a Hole in One's Pants

10:21 pm - 04.22.02

I'm not exactly sure which commandment said this, but I'm sure that one of them had to have something like this in them: "Thou shalt not sell a decent pair of pants to Bob." Well, actually, I have plenty pairs of decent pants, but when they're bad, they're bad. Case One: Throughout 8th grade. Several blue pants purchased from some quality store- small holes located on knee. Now while a normal person could wear these pants thousands of times without the hole growing embarrassingly large, this is not the case for Bob. I had a large enough hole by the time I got off of the bus in the morning to feel a breeze, and this drove me to get them sown at the Home Ec room. More holes developed soon after, and I bought a new pair of blue pants. Same exact thing, except I didn't bother asking my Home Ec teacher to sow them, I just forgot about them. I bought a new pair of blue pants. Same fucking thing. I decided that this was just God's way of telling me that blue was not my color, and moved on rather than go crazy. Case Two: Several months ago. Pair of plaid Joe Boxer pants that I wore around the house on weekends- small hole formed on knee. I wore these pants for the rest of the day and the dime-sized hole in the knee now extends from my upper thigh to my upper calf. I hadn't the sense to throw them away, and now am wearing them as nothing else was within reach when I stepped out of the shower. Case Three: Sometime this year. Pair of tan cargo pants- hole in the fucking crotch. No, I kid you not. There was a hole in the crotch. It formed one day and was rather benign then, so I didn't worry about it, and of course, forgot to throw them away. Cut to several weeks later. Time: about 6:38 am. Bus arrives in about two minutes. I look down to put my money in my pocket, and what do I see? A hole, but still a rather benign one. The hole got rather large, and I spent the day walking around as if my legs were soldered together. But that's not the best part of the story. Oh, no. Due to certain complications that arose from staying after school to work on my freshman project and a misunderstanding between my mother and me, I had to walk home that day. I walked down a bleeding interstate with a goddamned hole in the crotch in my pants. Case Four: Well, this should probably be a Case One, since it predates the other stories. Also, it doesn't really have to do with a hole in the pants, but it does contribute to my problem with The Man (pant manufacturers). Anyways. Arizona Jeans- much too loose. The year was- um. I don't remember dates, but I was in 5th grade. I was wearing some sort of sweater or something, and I was standing in front of a board. My teacher was attempting to do something at the board, so he pulled me out of the way by pulling on the back of my sweater, and in effect, pulled it up as well. These pants were loose. Really loose. I think you get the picture, but for those of you who don't, I practically mooned the entire bloody class. It wasn't very pretty. Ah, this story reminds me of another funny account. Another time in this sin-breeding classroom (actually it was a grade later and a completely different teacher, but who cares), I was walking around and a rather boisterous young lady came up to me and grabbed my hand. She then thrust it at her own bosom and shouted something like "Damn Robert! Why you touch my titty?" I, being an innocent young child, screamed and started flailing about screaming "I've been violated!" Right at that moment, the teacher came in and asked me just what was going on. I was much to embarrassed to tell the truth, so I simply let him think I was an odd little child who rolled around on the floor for fun. Besides, the teacher would have thought I did it on purpose. So, if you ever want to let me know that you believe me and don't think I'm a little pervert, just stop me and say so. I'll be the one walking down the highway with a hole in the crotch of my pants.

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